Dear Jemma,
My owners have been running in fear every time they
let me out to go
pooh. You see, I have not been able to shake it off . . . In other
words, I have a poo-poo butt. I've been feeling rather stinky-boe-binky
what should I do?
love,
Penny aka Pooh-Pooh Butt & Tiffy the Tease
Dear Penny and Tiffy, 
Something smells rotten in the state of ???, eh,
girls? In the past, I had the occasional encounter with "stubborn
remains," too, so I perfected a technique that never fails. It
is such a unique move that I have patented, what I call, the "Squat-Wiggle."
My new training video, revealing for the first time the secret of
the "Squat-Wiggle," will soon be available for the extremely
startlingly low price of  29.95,
plus shipping and handling. Girls, I do not want you to miss out on
this limited time offer, so start saving up those milk bones, and
in no time you, too, can learn the "Squat-Wiggle" and boast
of a squeaky-clean, odor-free, butt.
love,
Jemma 
PS. Offer void where prohibited.
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June 2003
"Dear Jemma,
I am very upset about one thing. This is the one thing that I am
very upset over. I am very upset when I eat the dog food that my family
gives me. It is very expensive dog food and has a picture of a lovely
blonde Retriever on it, but it makes me very upset. When I am upset,
all the windows must be opened and the door, too. Even when it is
raining. Sometimes candles need to be lit, too. It is very embarrassing
being so upset. My family says, "Oh, no! Jock is Upset again!"
and they light matches. I do not know anyone else that gets upset
so much as me. Please help me, Jemma. How can I let my family know
that the very expensive dog food with the lovely blonde Retriever
on it makes me upset?
Help me, please help me.
Jock"
Dear Jock,
I have a confession to make to you that will surprise you so much
you will fall over with amazement.
I have been upset, too.
I am cured with a very special thing called "Aromatherapy."
It is a wonderful invention that cures me every time! When I am upset,
Faith says, "Time for the Aromatherapy!" and she puts some
lovely drops of oil into a diffuser that is plugged into the outlet.
The house smells lovely! Like violets and lilac and cinnamon and lemon
and rosemary. It is a wonderful invention that cures being upset!
(Faith also opens the window, because it helps the Aromatherapy to
work faster.)
Please let your family read this letter, Jock! They will read it
and know what to do for you when you are upset, too!
Sincerely,
Jemma
[Faith adds: Jock's family may want to know about this link to Vigro
biscuits and powder. It really helps the "upset" problem
at the source. Jemma loves the biscuits--and so do I!  ]
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"Dear Jemma,
I have a big problem. A very big problem. This is
the big problem that I have: I am very scared of
cats. It is very embarrassing to me to be very
scared of cats. I do not know what to
do. I feel very ashamed and sorry to be a dog that is so very
scared of cats. What should I do? Please
help me, Jemma, you are my only hope. I saved up five milkbones, so
long it took, because I only get one milkbone a day, and sometimes
I was too hungry for the lovely, crunch munch of milkbones, but I
have saved them for you, and they are only nibbled on, hardly at all.
Please help me, Jemma, you are my only hope.
Sincerely,
Bruiser (that is not my fault that is my name)
PS One milkbone is only half now, I am so nervous
and when I am nervous I am hungry, so please help me."
Dear Bruiser,
You should NOT be ashamed of your name. That is the
first thing. You are Bruiser! I want you to say that 5 times in the
morning and 5 times at bedtime: “I am Bruiser!” This will
help you begin to know the power that is within you.
Now, about your biggest problem. CATS. You see how
I’ve turned that around, Bruiser? CATS are your problem, as
they are every dog’s problem! CATS! Don’t they make you
mad, Bruiser? The way they sidle around, and find every soft spot,
and steal your food, and, oh, I am so mad at that BLACK CAT next door!
He is LOOKING AT ME!
I MUST GO TAKE CARE OF MY PROBLEM NOW!
Sorry about that Bruiser. I’ve had a nice snack
and I feel much better now. Just remember, Bruiser, everything is
attitude. When we are calm about our problems, we find that the solution
is as close as our own lovely food bowl.
Sincerely,
Jemma
PS There were only 4 milkbone HALFS received. But,
I, Jemma, have helped you anyway.
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July 2003
Dear Jemma,
I am a very small dog but I have Big Ideas.
My problem is that no one likes my Big Ideas. Whenever I run and
run and am happy I must tell everyone my Big Ideas, because they are
Wonderful Big Ideas. If it is night or day, it does not matter, because
I must tell everyone my Big Ideas. But my family and the other people
in the house next door do not like my Big Ideas. When I try to tell
them, they are angry and yell at me, "Hey, what's
the Big Idea!?!" They are very mad and very loud
when they say this at me and it hurts my feelings to know they do
not like my Big Ideas.
What should I do? Please help me, Jemma.
Sincerely,
Ratcatcher the First
PS. I hope you do not mind but I am sending little milkbones to you
even though I know that you are a big dog but that is all I have."
Dear Ratcatcher,
Before you tell everyone your Big Ideas, you must think very hard
and sometimes very long. Because you must decide which are the Best
Big Ideas to tell everyone. Not all Big Ideas are to be told to everyone
because that is BOSSY.
I am not mad with you, Ratcatcher, but I am mad with that CAT from
Next Door. That Cat is always telling loud Big Ideas and yesterday
I could not have my lovely nap because of his loud Big Ideas.
Sometimes it is not nice to tell everyone ALL your Big Ideas, Ratcatcher.
Sometimes we must have lovely, long, quiet naps without loud Big Ideas.
Ratcatcher, try to keep your Big Ideas a secret sometimes. Then everyone
will not be mad with you.
Sincerely,
Jemma
PS It is okay about the little milkbones. I, Jemma, have helped you
even with little milkbones.
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October, 2003
Dear Jemma,
I am a dirty dog. This is what they call me and it
is my job, what I am, a dirty dog. I like to roll in lovely smells
and swim in lovely puddles that are full of lovely smells. I like
to find lovely smells, too, and when I find them, I love to smell
them again and again.
My problem is that my family keep giving me baths
and washing away the lovely smells. I work hard to be a dirty dog,
but they wash me again and again. Why do they call me a dirty dog
and yet they wash all the lovely smells from me?
Sometimes I am tired and they wash me and because
I am a dirty dog I must find a lovely smell and roll in it again before
I have my nap otherwise my family will be disappointed because they
do not have a dirty dog anymore.
Help me, Jemma, to tell my family that they should
not bathe me so much because sometimes I am tired and sometimes I
cannot find a lovely smell to roll in, but I do not want to disappoint
my dear, dear family.
Sincerely,
DD
PS I think that you must smell very, very lovely.
Dear DD,
YEs, DD, ffamilies can be
very silly. Next door
lives my friend, Rocky. Rocky is a Rhodesian Ridgeback with a str0ng
AND Big voice. He lOVes to tell everyone in
the neighborhood the news just
as it happens. He is very good, and I listen to him for all the
news. His family call him a barker and that is what he is: a barker.
But, his famiLY yell at him to, "Be QUiet!" when he is speaking
the news! How can Rocky be a barKEr when he is to "Be Quiet?"
I do not know why families
can be so silly. You are a
dirty dog; Rocky is a barker, but your families
make it very difficult for you both to do your
jobs.
This is my advice to you. Forget about trying
to tell them. Such silly families do NOT listen. In
order for you to do your job as a dirty
dog, you must save up sOMe smeLls. Find a g00d
spot in the back yard, dig
a lovely hole behind a bush (so your family
can NOT find it) and save lovVVely smells like Mouse
heads and BEEeetle wings and a rotten potato
or two. Then, DD, you will be
able to quickly replenish your lovely smell by simply having to 'go'
in the back yard!
This is my adVice to you, DD!
It is very good advice that I, Jemma, have given you!
Sincerely,
Jemma
PS Forgive my typing.
I am a writer, not a secRetary. Dear
FaiTh has gone shopping to buy my l0vely supper
and I am surprising her
by answering letters
all by myself. Next month she will get such
a lovely surpriSe when she
reads this!
PPS YES i smell VERY LOVELY YOU ARE RIGHT.
<I wuz right!!1---Faith
is vurry surprised i can
tell this because she gave
me a giant bone to 'take a break' from all my
good work>
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