"Dear Jemma,
I need some advice about what I should do with my life. I'm graduating
from high school in a few years and I still don't have a clue over
what I want to be. All my friends know what they want to do, but I
don't. What should I do with my life?
Signed,
Desperate"
Dear Desperate,
I, Jemma, have had many careers in my life. First, I
was a mother for many puppies. I helped many little puppies grow into
big puppies and find homes. That life was long ago. Then, I was homeless
and I had many adventures living on the streets, and surviving many
troubles, and helping other dogs, too. I was even in the movies and
had lovely popcorn. Then, I came to live with Faith and together we
visited sick people and I was a Nurse-Counselor while Faith drove
me around. Now, I am a writer and advice columnist and you have asked
my help. I help people and dogs and other animals and even cats. I,
Jemma, will help you now. I will tell you a secret about life that
will help guide your path in life. It is a secret that every dog knows.
[Faith: "If every dog knows it, then it's
not a secret." Jemma: "People don't know
it, so it is a secret to them! I am going to tell
Desperate a Dog Secret."]
Knowing this secret will help you choose your path in
life wisely. This is the secret that, I, Jemma, will tell you: Life
is in the cracks.
Sincerely,
Jemma 
[Faith: "That's it?! I don't think Desperate
is going to understand that ..." Jemma:"Of course he won't!
He is a person. I told you it is a Dog Secret.
Only a dog can understand a dog secret." Faith:"But
it doesn't help Desperate, you are trying to help Desperate!"
Jemma:"Where are my milkbones?"]
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"Dear Jemma,
I love my dalmatian, Fancy, but every time I come home from work
the dishes from breakfast are still in the sink, dinner is not cooked,
the laundry's not touched, and the place is a mess! Honestly, I don't
think she does a thing all day but lie on the couch and watch 'Judge
Judy'. I'm getting fed up with the grind--work all day and come home
to more work in the evening. And then, it's nothing but beg, beg,
beg: 'take me out,' 'why don't we ever go to the park anymore,' 'give
me a treat.' I'm at the breaking point, here! Life is getting way
too intense and complicated. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Nice Guy"
Dear Nice Guy,
Get over yourself, Nice Guy! We dogs are getting pretty tired of
the attitude. What do all you nice guys (and girls) expect from us?
You need a maid, not a companion! Now listen, it's simple: All we
dogs ask for is a comfortable place to sleep (preferably the couch),
free run of the house (and a yard), good food and plenty of it, and
entertainment (walks, ball playing, and more ball playing). Oh, and
snacks, snacks and more snacks. Yes. What could be simpler or nicer
than that, Nice Guy! You are way too tense and uptight about life!
Life is simple and lovely--like a crunchy, tasty milkbone.
Hmm. I think I could use a simple snack right now.
My regards to Fancy--have a milk bone on me.
Cheers,
Jemma
PS It is Dalmatian, not dalmatian,
Nice Guy. Dalmatian is always capitalized.
ALWAYS.
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"Dear Jemma,
I am a Registered Nurse and I am looking for a dog to accompany me
on patient visits. I think that quality of life is much improved for
patients who are visited by a good therapy dog. What do you suggest
I look for in a therapy dog?
Signed,
RN in Vancouver"
Dear RN,
I, Jemma, was a Nurse-Counselor for many years. Yes,
life is much better for patients who are visited by a Nurse-Counselor
such as myself or one of my many good colleagues. Faith drove me to
see my patients. She is an RN, too, so you should get along fine with
a Nurse-Counselor dog as well. Faith learned very quickly. (I am assuming
you can drive, for that is what you must do as an RN for a Nurse-Counselor
dog.) It is very important that you carry tasty snacks in the car
and nice, cool water, too. A lovely bed is good too, for the Nurse-Counselor
needs to nap sometimes between patients. And at least two tennis balls.(
In the profession, they are known as 'anti stress balls.' You will
learn this, don't worry.) When you are being interviewed by your potential
Nurse-Counselor boss, remember to smell nice, and quickly offer a
milkbone or three. This will show the Nurse-Counselor that you are
not un trainable. You will do fine! I, Jemma, know this! Good luck
to you, RN in Vancouver!
Sincerely,
Jemma, NC
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"Dear Jemma,
I have a problem with my life. I like to sing. I like to sing a lot.
I sing when birds sing, and when cars sing, and when my friends sing.
I sing when my family sings. And I sing by myself when I am sad or
when I am lonely or even when I am happy. People do not like it when
I sing. But, Life says that I must sing. I want you to help people
know that I must sing because that is what Life tells me to do and
I must do it. Please help.
Signed,
Tenor in Trouble"
Dear Tenor,
I, Jemma, feel your pain, even though I am not a singer.
I am an artist and a writer, but not a singer. When Life says you
must do something, you must do it! Sing, Tenor, sing! You must sing,
I must create art and I must write!
Tenor, always in this world there are those who do not
understand the artistic mind and mission to Create! Life has called
us and we artists must throw back our heads and howl! Or paint! Or
write! Faith hears Life telling her she must play the viola so Faith
plays the viola. Many people do not like her to play her viola. Even
nice people do not like her to play her viola. But Faith must play,
because Life says she must! And I must paint and write, and you, Tenor,
must sing, because Life says you must!
Sing, Tenor, sing!
A fellow artist,
Jemma
PS You may see my watercolor painting "Rainbow
Paws" if you like.
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Dear Jemma,
My dog's farts really stink. Can you assist me with
this problem? My farts stink too, but not as bad as his. Any suggestions?
Always,
W.L.
Dear W.L.,
I, Jemma, have this advice for you: Read the following
recent exchange of letters:
"Dear Jemma,
Please, please, help me! You are my only hope
in this life. I have a friend who is a good friend to me but for
one big problem. His farts stink really bad. But this is not the
problem, this is a fact, but not the problem that you must help
me with. This is the big problem: whenever my good friend is with
other people he blames his stinky farts on ME. This is embarrassing
to me, but he is my friend and I do not know how to tell him that
I do NOT like him to blame his stinky farts on ME.
Please help me!
Sincerely,
Polar Bear"
"Dear Polar Bear,
Your friend now knows.
Sincerely,
Jemma "
W.L, it is NOT NICE to blame others for your mistakes.
That is ALL,
Jemma
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"Dear Jemma,
I have a very boring job that I hate going to every day. I am stuck
in an office sitting on my butt in front of a computer. What I long
to do is to be an artist and paint nature scenes outside in the open
air. But I can't afford to quit my job and just paint all day.
How can I get to do what I want, instead of spending my life doing
what I hate?
Sincerely,
Clerk in Chicago"
Dear Clerk,
It is a terrible thing to have to do what you hate every
day. I, Jemma, know this, because I had an awful job many years ago
where I was in a cage all day. That was before I ran away and lived
on the street, and was in Jail, and then Faith found me and I became
a Nurse Counselor. And now I am an artist and a writer and I help
everyone, even cats.
If you do not like your job, you must run away and find
a job that Life tells you you must do. If Life tells you that you
must be an artist, then you must be an artist! That is all there is
to it!
But sometimes you cannot run away right away. You must
wait until it is the right time. You must plan and watch and be ready
for when the cage door is left open. Then, you must run away and become
an artist!
Good luck to you, Clerk in Chicago!
Sincerely,
Jemma
PS Do not go to Jail, Clerk in Chicago, it is not a
nice place. Faith says you must first learn to be an artist where
you are and then someday the cage will open and you will know where
to go and not run out in the street and have to go to Jail.
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"Dear Jemma,
I am very worried that the end of the World might come at any minute
and then what will happen? On TV I see bad things happening more and
more. I am worried that we will all die. Sometimes I can't sleep because
I am so worried. Please help me, Jemma.
Signed,
Afraid all the Time"
Dear Afraid,
The end of the World is a lovely place where there is
a mountain of milkbones and lovely chickens going around and around!
Do not be afraid, Afraid! Run right in!
[Faith: "I don't think Afraid is talking about
the World's End supermarket, Jemma ..." Jemma: "It is a
lovely place full of wonderful smells and tasty, crunchy snacks, and
the chickens that go around and around!" Faith:"Jemma, Afraid
is worried about there not being any more supermarkets, or anything
else."]
I, Jemma, am not afraid that the supermarkets will go
away. If they do, there is always MacDonald's. Don't be afraid, Afraid.
And, if there is no more TV, then we can all go to the Park and sniff
things and roll in the grass forever and ever!
Sincerely,
Jemma
PS Oh yes, and if you cannot go to sleep, you must chase
balls until you are tired, then go to your lovely bed and have a nice
nap.
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"Dear Jemma,
How do I know if I am who I am supposed to be, and if I am doing
what I'm supposed to be doing and if I'm where I'm supposed to be?
I'm reaching my fiftieth birthday and I'm going through an identity
crisis. Please help. I really don't want to be another cliche-you
know, the typical bald guy in a red sports car ...
Signed,
Crisis"
Dear Crisis,
It is a terrible problem to be bald and you must go
to your Veterinarian right away! Do not be afraid, walk right in,
and there is a smelly medicine that you will get and a bath but that
is all. Then your nice hair will grow back.
Do not be worried about what you have done and where
you have done it. It is too late. Just remember to go outside next
time. Everyone makes a mistake now and then and it can always be cleaned
up. Faith uses Oxy clean and then we go to the Park more often.
Sincerely,
Jemma
PS You are very old!
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