"Dear Jemma,
I am a lonely man in his (very) early forties who has much to offer
a woman. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find anyone who is interested
in: art, spirituality, Mayan history, traveling, teaching, reading,
creating computer animations, the Internet, "Yellow Submarine,"
petroglyphs, putting fake insects into people's beds, sending nonsense
emails to all my friends, and laughing insanely at relatively nothing.
Am I asking too much of the Universe? Where can I find my Soulmate?
Sincerely,
Nowhere Man"
Dear Nowhere Man, 
First of all, I'd get a different handle. "Nowhere Man"
doesn't exactly inspire confidence in a woman .....
And, no, I don't think you are asking too much of the Universe, you
just haven't been asking loudly enough. You need to throw back your
head and howl sometimes to get what you need. And, you have to know
where to howl. This is a very good place to howl loudly. Your howl
will be heard all the way to Canada:
http://www.christian.matchmaker.com/
But, the most IMPORTANT thing to remember is this: when you do find
that special woman, or, more likely, when she finds you, remember
to bring a tennis ball or two as a small gift for her dog. This is
VERY IMPORTANT. A pack of milk bones wouldn't hurt either. Keep 'em
coming!
Good luck to you,
Jemma 
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"Dear Jemma,
I am in a love triangle and need your help ASAP! I cannot choose between
my boa constrictor, Squeezer, and my rabbit, Sweet Nibble. I love
them both, but Sweet Nibble is threatening to move out unless Squeezer
does. What should I do?
Sincerely,
A Lover not a Fighter"
Dear ALNAF,
A triangle is only a triangle if you are in it. Get it? So, beat
it! Let Squeezer and Sweet Nibble work things out themselves. I guarantee
that in just a few hours you will be left with only one satisfied
pet and a peaceful household.
Of course, if that doesn't work, I'd be happy to have a one-to-one
counseling session with Sweet Nibble ......
Here's to snacks and more snacks,
Jemma
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"Dear Jemma,
When will I know love? Everyone tells me that 'you'll know it when
it happens', but, I don't think it will ever happen to me. Or maybe
it has already happened, and I didn't recognise it and it's gone.
Please tell me: when will I know love?
Signed,
Lonely Girl
PS My name is Jemma, too!"
Dear Lonely Girl,
I, Jemma, will tell you what you need to know about
love. Love is a wonderful, squishy, squeaky tennis ball that is fuzzy
and when I bite it just right, the little jacket comes off and out
pops another ball! And then I chase after it and give it to Faith
who says, 'Yuck, it's all mucky!', but I chase it and chase it until
I am so tired that all I want is to lie on the grass and chew and
chew and chew! And then I have a long drink, and a nice nap, and then
it is time for a snack! And then Faith and I go for another walk!
That is what love is, Lonely Girl, it is what and it is whom I, Jemma,
love.
Lonely Girl, you will know love when you find what and
whom Lonely Girl loves.
Love,
Jemma
PS Jemma is a special name. Faith says so, too.
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"Dear Jemma,
I have a problem. My friend is very mad with me because I do not
love a bad dog that has come to stay with us. I am very mad at the
bad dog because he does bad things and I must bite him when he does
bad things. But when I bite him, my friend is mad with me! It is a
very big problem. Please, Jemma, help me with my very big problem!
Signed,
Trigger
PS I do not love this bad dog AT ALL."
Dear Trigger,
Biting is sometimes the only way to let a bad dog know
that he is bad. But, the bad dog is probably happy that your friend
is mad with you and that is NOT GOOD. I, Jemma, will give you a good
plan to make that bad dog know that he is bad and make your friend
happy with you again. The plan is this: %GG^&J*<MBGRWWW,:+=&^BRWWGRW%@.
Sincerely,
Jemma
[Note from Faith: The above letter was impossible
to translate completely into human speech. Although I repeatedly asked
Jemma to word her advice another way, she would only look smug and
say, "That is all!" I can only suppose that this advice
was so devious that she does not want it known to the general public.
Of note, we did get a followup letter from a very grateful Trigger,
along with a bouquet of milkbones for Jemma, so I can only assume
that Trigger understood her advice.]
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"Dear Jemma,
My problem is that I am in love with a fish. Yes, I must say this
right out, because, I cannot say it another way. I am a normal dog
in every other way: I love to roll in mud, chase balls, chew bones,
and dance to disco, but I am in love with the most beautiful golden
fish in the world. I cannot stay away from the lovely pond where she
lives. What is your advice for us, Jemma? Is there hope for our relationship?
Signed,
Crackers"
Dear Crackers,
I have a confession to make. I love fish, too.
I know dogs are supposed to love chicken and steak and bones and lovely
cheese and crunchy bacon and sausages and meatballs and ...
[Faith's note: the list of Jemma's favorite foods
was edited for reasons of space]
... What I am saying, Crackers, is that you can love
all those lovely, crunchy, juicy, drooly, munchy, tasty, delicious,
...
[Faith's note: the list of Jemma's adjectives describing
her favorite foods was edited for reasons of space]
... foods, you can still have room for another love
. . . lovely, beautiful, succulent FISH!
I, Jemma, am in need of a snack now, so I must go. I
enjoyed your letter very much. Good luck to you and your wonderful
fish, Crackers!
Sincerely,
Jemma
|
"Dear Jemma,
I think you are the loveliest dog in the world and I am very lucky
that I have met you even if it is only on the Internet but still that
is something. You are as beautiful as a milkbone in my morning food
dish and I think you must smell like pot roast cooking. Can we meet
sometime?
Lovingly,
Cretan
PS I am not a bad dog."
Dear Cretan,
Thank you for your letter. I will cherish it always.
I, Jemma, think that you are a good letter writer and I love your
letter. It is my favorite letter this day and for many days it will
be my favorite letter. I would like to meet you one day, but I live
far away from you. I would like you to write to me again, and I would
like to hear more that I smell like pot roast cooking because I love
pot roast.
Fondly,
Jemma
PS You do not have to send me five milkbones next time
you write to me. Unless you want to.
PPS Do you have a middle name?
[Faith's note: Although many letters were exchanged
between Cretan and Jemma, sadly, the romance never blossomed due to
distance. Both Cretan and Jemma had a fear of flying, so never actually
met. Months later, Jemma was devestated by the news of Cretan's marriage
to a local boxer, although rumor has it that it was a marriage of
necessity. Cretan, as he said of himself, was "not a bad dog."]
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